The Angel Right Beside Me

I can’t believe that just one short month ago my life changed so much. One month ago I lost you, my baby sister. 

1 month. 30 days. 731 hours. 43,860 minutes. 

It feels like it has been an eternity, yet it seems just like yesterday we were sitting on the couch, laughing until we both had tears in our eyes.

I wish that I could cuddle up next to you and hold you one last time.

I wish I could hear you laugh,

See you smile,

Or hold your hand.

The past month has seemed like a dream especially the week you passed away.

I keep running through it in my mind, being there during those last hours of your life, watching as you took your last breath. 

Going thru the motions as we prepared for our final goodbyes.  Seeing your lifeless body and holding your cold hand.  It was you, but it didn’t feel like you.  

And now…

I feel empty inside.  I feel that there is a place in my heart that is aching for you.  There is someone missing when our family gathers ‘round. 

My heartache is minimal compared to that of our parents.  Watching them lose you makes me grieve all over again. It is hard to imagine the loss that they feel.  It is hard to watch the sadness in their eyes.  My heart aches to take their pain away.

I try and go about my day but every little thing reminds me of you.  I mask my emotions so that I am able to take care of my family, but the sadness is always there.  

I want to cry but that won’t change anything.

I want to curl up in a ball and fall asleep so that I can wake up and this will all be over. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

Sister,

I am here and I have never left your side.

I was there with you through the hardest week of your life, the week that you had to say goodbye to my earthly body. 

I was there, comforting you and helping you as you spoke at my funeral.

I was there, holding you as you cried alone last night.

I was there, watching you go about your day as if nothing were wrong, trying to be strong for your boys.

I am finally free from my mortal trials.

I am free from the pain my physical body endured.

I can talk, I can walk and I can sing.

I am the woman that I always was.  I am the woman that He created so perfectly. 

The time is now for your baby sister to take care of you.

I am here and I will never leave your side. 

A New Beginning

Recently I have been experiencing a bit of an identity crisis.  There have been a few major changes in my life as of late that I haven’t quite known how to process.  Four months ago, I gave birth to our second child, a baby boy. I never knew that I could love another human being so much.  With this new addition to our lives came another great change; becoming a stay-at-home mom.  I have dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom for years, especially since having my first child (3 ½ years ago).  I was comfortably settled into my career as a Registered Nurse working a great part-time schedule with two 12.5 hour shifts per week.  I loved working as a nurse and I loved my co-workers.  However, my job came with a great deal of stress.  I constantly felt drained emotionally and physically.  I found it difficult to focus on my family. I was always bringing work home with me and couldn’t forget my patients and their problems. I was burned out and I felt that at this time I wanted to focus on the most important thing in my life, our children. 

So here I am, transitioning to life of a stay-at-home mom.  People are constantly asking me how I am liking being at home with my children.  The truth? I love that I get to be the one that is home with them when they are sick, hurting, or experiencing new things.  That being said, it is definitely not easy being at home and sometimes I miss work (or certain aspects of work).  I miss the social interaction that my job brought. Yesterday my husband informed me that, unknowingly, I have started talking like a toddler.  I also miss feeling accomplished.  After working a full shift, I would feel like I had something to show for my day.  Being at home I feel that if we are all alive by the end of the day we are doing pretty well.   

Let’s be real, if we have all showered that day we are winning.

I feel that people look at me different now that I have chosen to be home with my children.  I don’t know why I worry or care what the world’s opinion of me is, however, I can’t help but let these irrational fears creep into my daily thoughts. Does my husband respect me less because I am wasting all of that time and money that I put into my schooling to stay at home?  Am I throwing my education and skills away?   What was once a huge part of my life is now non-existent.  Why is it that I feel guilty staying at home instead of providing for my family, especially because this is what I have dreamed of for so long? 

Here I am, experiencing the same guilt-complex as I did 3 ½ years ago when I went back to work after having my first child.  The world sure knows how to get us, don’t they?  The feminists all yell from the rooftops that we need to be strong women in the work-force.  The conservatives beg for moms to stay at home with their children because that is where we belong.  The truth is that I have done both, and guess what, they are both great.  I can see that every situation is unique and that things change. People are adaptable.  I feel that mothers, as a whole, are doing what they believe is best for their family and that is OK. 

This is what my life is right now.  This is what I have chosen my life to be. 

I am grateful.

And scared.

So please, bear with me as I figure this whole thing out.